Fat Chance on Getting Fat

Hmm… now where do I start? Ever since I can remember, I had always been horizontally challenged. In other words, slim. Slim not thin, ok? Slim slim slim. Sigh. Well, ok… thin. You might even say skinny.

In primary school, I would be teased for my lack of mass. Bamboo boy, Cicak Kubing, Bones, Lidi… I’ve heard them all. Kids can be cruel – and so can your siblings too. I though it was only going to be like this for the moment. Like my superhero or David Copperfield phase. I couldn’t be more wrong.

In secondary school, I had my growth spurt. I got taller – yeah baby. But Mother Nature played a cruel joke and decided not to put more meat into these skinny bones of mine. So as you may expect, my lack of weight became more apparent. It’s like a piece of plaster sin. The more you stretch it, the thinner it becomes. Throughout my secondary school (five years of it, plus a week in from six) I managed to get stuck at 45kg with a height of 177cm. If only I was a girl, I could become one of those anorexic super models. I could have made millions, but no, I had to be a guy.

In college… ah…. My favorite time. Hanging out with the guys. Meeting girls, cutting classes and started a beautiful relationship called smoking. Anyway, I figured now I could at least use fashion to my advantage. So I decided with
t-shirts which are 2 sizes larger
t-shirt and jeans, and sporting an unbuttoned shirt ala jacket
As you know, not many people in Penang actually wear an extra unbuttoned shirt over their existing t-shirt. So if you were in Penang in the mid 90s and saw a guy wearing just that, chances are it was me. Don’t get me wrong, I thought it was cool – and I still do, but in a cool skinny way.

Now that I am working, my inner self told me “Macho guy, now’s the time to pump up on food and supplements with what little extra cash you have”. And being as easily influenced as I am, I did what I was told…. by err… me. Protein milk, loads of eggs, powdered milk, weight gain drinks, supplements, steaks, cheese cakes, pizzas, burgers, ice cream, chocolates. The list goes on, but my waist line stayed. All those things just made me visit the family throne more often than I would like to admit.

Again, I though my dressing could help. Unlike my previous unbuttoned shirt, now it’s buttoned and tucked it in. The t-shirt inside kinda acts like a bra’s padding. If girls can trick guys into thinking they have a larger cup size, tricking them back about my body mass is just down right genius. Any extra millimeters of cloth that can give me the appearance of being fatter is most welcomed. You might be asking “Does that actually work?” Well, even if it doesn’t, at least I dun have my nipples visibly pointing out like most schmucks do.

A while back, I read about someone’s experience on getting tummy worms. So yes, I decided to de-worm myself. That must be it. With all the food I consume, why aren’t I any fatter yet? Worms? It can’t be this simple, or can it? The next day, I went to the doctor, asked for the anti-worm medicine and he gave me six jumbo sized tablets (I went to get an MC as well… kill two birds with a single stone. heh). I was supposed to gobble them up all at once but was a little bit agitated as I’m not accustomed to putting large objects into my mouth and then swallow. I’m not a girl.

On the way home, I couldn’t help but think that my thirty year agony of being the skinny guy would finally be history. As soon as I reached home, I popped all six tablets into my mouth and swallowed it with a glass of water. It was easier than I thought. Now… DIE, WORMS! DIE! HAHAHA! So WTF do I do now? Just sit and wait? Minutes passed. Hours passed. Days passed. Every time I go to the potty, I would check before I flush. Hoping to see something that shouldn’t be there, but would be inspiring if it were. By the way, I just look. I didn’t rummage through my own byproduct. Two weeks passed and still nothing. Man, what a disappointment. This just goes to show that when you want a parasite in your body, you won’t get any.

I kinda lost hope on gaining weight for the moment, until perhaps some miracle weight gain drug advertisement on the television catches my attention.

I guess there’s just no way of getting rid of this curse which so many people do not understand. Guess it’s genetics, since my father’s skinny as well. But if I am going to be just like my dad, then I have much bigger problems ahead – literally. He’s kinda like balding now. Sigh.